Confidence can go a long way, but it's still hard

こんにちは！アンバです～

I wouldn't call myself a negative person. But I tend to get negative moments when I think poorly of myself.

During my Italy trip in Florence

I don't consider myself beautiful, maybe occasionally cute, but not beautiful. I lack the curves, the height, the skin, the smile, the eyes, the clothes, the everything.

But you know what, that's just me, and I've accepted that. But even if I still accepted that, it doesn't change the fact that I have self confidence issues. I've been constantly shot down by my family and peers at school for things I want to achieve or ideas I want to say. But because I have a hard time expressing myself in words (let's face it, everyone does) I get flustered.

It's really hard to describe, I have times when I do think I'm pretty, but my anxiety won't allow me to think that way? Why? 

Because I'm an awkward person sometimes, 

I have no idea what's on my head

I mean, I'm a kind and caring person who always looks after my friends. But other than that, I can say some weird stuff, really random stuff. A.D.D makes me randomly pick things outta my head that I recall from the previous day and then just blurt it out. 

And then I realize how weird it sounds in the conversation and I get embarrassed. After being bullied as a kid, I also became withdrawn and although I can imagine myself being assertive, I can't. I don't really have the self confidence that everyone tells me to have. I don't have depression, and I love myself, I don't just love my appearance, I'm not sure if that's still the same thing but...

Hotel pool

That's why I'm waiting and looking for someone to accept me for who I am and love my flaws because that's me. But there isn't anyone like that at my school (school of 400 kids, class of 120, and 70% are girls) or community, I'm not super desperate, but I still like to keep my eyes open.

Anxiety is like a really, really bad cold. It comes and it goes, sometimes you have worse days than others, and I struggle with it. I mean, I've gotten a lot better because of my coping skills, but every now and then I want to hide away in my room (I already do that, but by that I mean not even interacting with my family) and pray that it passes.

I know I'll get better with time, and I eagerly wait for that, but for it to come, I need to push on ahead and constantly move forward. I can do it, I know I can.

I'm not perfect, I'm just me. An awkward, shy, cute, caring, sensitive, short tempered girl.

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See my YouTube channel at:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6rpUPdCXKjyqsp3S592dcA