I didn't know how to name this title, but it was something I wanted to make a post about.
I didn't realize this about myself until just now while I was in the shower (funny how hot water makes you think) but for the longest time I remember I've always wanted to move out of the country. At first, I wanted to move to Bermuda, it was a beautiful small island just south of Florida where everyone is close. At the time, I remember being the 8 year old thinking, "Wow! I really wanna live here!"
At the time, I didn't realize why I thought this way, why I would want to pack everything up and leave to live in a country where I had no one. As a grew up, Bermuda changed to England, and then Germany, and then Italy, and now it's Japan. Japan is a country I'm 95% sure about (The remaining 5% is for me to judge while I'm there) As usual, it was the same thought process, I loved the culture, the way people treated each other, the similarities and differences, and most of all, how close people are to each other.
It's sad that I didn't realize it until now.
The whole reason why I've always wanted to move away from America was because I was subconsciously running away from my past.
Think about it, who else would want to drop everything and move? Leaving their friends, family, and their comfort zone behind isn't anything someone decides so easily.
And yet I was able to. Why? Because I'm running away.
As a child, I've been neglected by my mother (not intentionally), I've had a missing father figure, brothers who didn't care about their baby sister because they were teenagers and punks, I was that odd kid outta the group because I was quieter than the other children and I preferred to play by myself and talk about how much I loved cats. In short, I was weird (and I still am, but I love it), no one wanted to be my friend so I had very few friends.
After I moved in with my Grandmother, I developed Separation Anxiety, Emetaphobia (phobia of vomiting), and Generalized Anxiety due to the absence and the lack of motherly presence in my life. True, I still loved my mother and I still do, but it put a major impact on me.
Now I'm not saying I've had it worse, no, no, no. Everything is different for everybody, it's just how you take it and apply it to your life.
Even after I moved in with my Grandmother, my life still wasn't very different as it was before. Yet I was bullied even more at school. Kids would make fun of me because I didn't have a mother or a father. And when I tried to explain to them that my mother was still alive, as children, we couldn't grasp our hands around the situation.
After growing up a bit and dreaming about becoming a vet and living in Bermuda, I soon realized that I wasn't too fond of the intense heat they get there (but it's still a beautiful vacation island), and it changed to the countries I listed off before.
A few months ago, I was having a conversation with my Grandmother and was telling her how I that it was weird that I didn't really mind moving away from my family and friends. She only looked at me and said.
"It's because you're not close with your family. Now that doesn't mean you don't love them, it's just, who is there?"
That question made me pause, that's true, who is there in my life that I considered family. Of course my Mother is part of my family, but by being absent for over 12 years of my life, it's hard to suddenly pick everything back off as if nothing has ever happened. For me, there will be awkwardness and fear of yelling, fear of her suddenly leaving or hurting herself. This is because of what I've experienced as a child.
I know that time will heal the wounds, but the scars will still be there, and we'll only be able to move on is when we can both except what has happened. But that time isn't now, and I'm not sure when it will be.
Moving to Japan in a way, is me running away from my past. If I move, I can hide from the things that scare me, and I can start fresh and make new relationships.
Maybe I'm just a coward, who knows. But that's who I am, I can put on a strong front, and I can be strong for a certain amount of time. But deep down, I'm just a scared little girl who just wants things to get better.
And they will. I'm sure of it.
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